Machine generated contents note: I Was a Three-Year-Old Arsonist -- My Childhood: David Copperfield Meets Guns & Ammo Magazine -- Stanley, the Magical Talking Squirrel -- Don't Tell Your Parents -- Jenkins, You Motherfucker -- If You Need an Arm Condom, It Might Be Time to Reevaluate Some of Your Life Choices -- Draw Me a Fucking Dog -- And That's Why Neil Patrick Harris Would Be the Most Successful Mass Murderer Ever -- No One Ever Taught Me Couch Etiquette -- Just Your Average Engagement Story -- It Wasn't Stew -- Married on the Fourth of July -- There's No Place like Home -- A Series of Helpful Post-it Notes I Left Around the House for My Husband This Week -- The Dark and Disturbing Secrets HR Doesn't Want You to Know -- If You See My Liver, You've Gone Too Far -- My Vagina Is Fine Thanks for Asking -- Phone Conversation I Had with My Husband After I Got Lost for the Eighty Thousandth Time -- And Then I Got Stabbed in the Face by a Serial Killer -- Thanks for the Zombies, Jesus -- Making Friends with Girls -- I Am the Wizard of Oz of Housewives (In That I Am Both "Great and Terrible" and Because I Sometimes Hide Behind the Curtains) -- The Psychopath on the Other Side of the Bathroom Door -- An Open Letter to My Husband, Who Is Asleep in the Next Room -- Just to Clarify: We Don't Sleep with Goats -- Stabbed by Chicken -- It Wasn't Even My Crack -- Honestly, I Don't Even Know Where I Got That Machete: A Comic Tragedy in Three Parts Days -- I'm Going to Need an Old Priest and a Young Priest -- And That's Why You Should Learn to Pick Your Battles -- Hairless Rats: Free for Kids Only -- And Then I Snuck a Dead Cuban Alligator on an Airplane -- You Can't Go Home Again (Unless You Want to Get Mauled by Wild Dogs).